Nine Companions, Almost
by Deandra
Summary: The Council of Elrond revisited. By a Sue. ONESHOT.
1. Nine Companions, Almost

_**A/N: Okay, yeah, I should be focusing on those other five Elfwine Chronicles I need to write, but I was cruising Just In and there seemed to be a proliferation of Sue stories and such, and it just kind of got to me. I think I could deal with some Sues, if the authors made even a vague attempt to show respect for Tolkien's world and characters, but they rarely do. Thus, here is my spoof of the whole thing. Much of the dialogue is taken verbatim from the movie version of The Fellowship of the Ring (the Council of Elrond scene), with a few embellishments by me to fit the altered situation. Hope it gives you a laugh!**_

**Nine Companions, Almost**

At a glance, the scene was quite bucolic – a peaceful autumn day, a gathering of races among intricately carved stone architecture and the beautiful forest surrounding it. The gathering, however, was quite somber as a stately Elf rose to address them.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you've been summoned here to answer the threat of–" Elrond solemnly intoned as he began the meeting.

A blinding flash of light suddenly erupted in their midst, and a moment later a…girl – at least they presumed it was such for it had that basic form – appeared in front of them. Man, elf and dwarf alike stared in bewilderment. Elvish magic was powerful, but none were aware of the ability to make people appear out of thin air.

The creature had iridescent hair, that shimmered through a variety of colors, but clearly fell in a pool down her back. Her lips were like cherries and her eyes an indescribable shade of…something, that glimmered in the fall light. She gazed around at the assembly and then opened her mouth.

"Like, this is so kewl!" the creature squealed, launching herself at Legolas and affixing herself to him in a rather lewd manner. Stoically, Legolas tried to pretend she didn't exist and merely rolled his eyes.

Elrond pressed a hand to his temple, clearly in pain. "Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Imladris," he all but moaned.

Gandalf fearsomely warned, "The Black Speech of Suedom may yet be heard in every corner of the West! Sues are drawn to the One Ring like moths to flame. Both the Sue and the Ring are altogether evil."

Boromir stood, announcing to the assembly, "It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Sue and this Ring? By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapons of the enemy. Let us use them against him."

Tiredly, Aragorn responded, "You cannot wield them. None of us can. The One Ring and Sues everywhere answer to Sauron alone. They have no other master."

"Ring?" the creature shrieked. "Oh, I love jewelry!" She lurched toward the stone table and snatched the One Ring up, slipping around her neck the chain that held it.

With a glare, Boromir asked snidely, "And what would a Ranger know of this matter?"

Legolas rose, then, and announced, "This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

"Aragorn. This is Isildur's heir?" Boromir questioned in disbelief. "What? And that makes him some sort of Sue expert?"

Legolas persisted, "He is heir to the throne of Gondor."

Aragorn interrupted then, saying (in Elvish), "Sit down, Legolas."

With a sneer, Boromir informed them both quite pointedly, "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." He settled back into his chair, glaring at the assembly.

Gandfalf spoke up then, "Aragorn is right. We cannot use them. Both are far too dangerous."

Again Elrond rose, saying, "You have only one choice. They must be destroyed."

Gimli stood and snatched up his axe. "What are we waiting for?"

He strode toward the Sue and she gave a shriek that sounded of tinkling bells as she dove behind Legolas for protection. The Elf nonchalantly sidestepped, exposing her to Gimli's wrath – for once the dwarf had a point.

Before Gimli could advance, however, Elrond warned, "They cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess. The Sue is a spawn of Mordor, and the Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can they be unmade. They must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence they came. One of you must do this."

Boromir rubbed his forehead and observed, "One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever-watchful. It is a barren wasteland riddled with fire, and ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with 10,000 men could you do this. It is folly."

Gimli mumbled under his breath, "Like we could _find_ 10,000 men willing to go anywhere near a Sue…"

Hotly, Legolas exclaimed, "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? They must be destroyed."

Gimli glared at the elf and asked, "And I suppose you think you are the one to do it!"

Now Boromir joined the argument that was building, "And if we fail, what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?"

Gimli wasn't ready to let go of his point about who should or should not be the courier, "I will be dead before I see the Ring and the Sue in the hands of an Elf!" (arguments erupt all around) "Never trust an Elf not to succumb to a Sue!"

Gandalf was shouting now also, but could barely be heard above all the others who were now yelling their arguments and accusations at one another. "Do you not understand? While you bicker amongst yourselves, Sauron's power grows! None can escape it! You'll all be destroyed!"

Frodo let out a tormented wince as he felt the awful power of the Ring and the Sue stabbing at him like a knife. Unbeknownst to him, his life had become entangled with this terrible evil and he could not get away from it.

"The Sue is altogether evil. It must be destroyed!" Gandalf warned again.

"What about the Ring?" Boromir asked. "Can we keep that? Gondor really could make use of such a trinket…"

"No! Mine!" the creature shrieked, clutching it protectively to her chest in a clenched fist. "My precious!"

"There is only one solution," Aragorn said rising. "Both must be cast into the fires of Mount Doom."

"I will take them," Frodo declared firmly, having to repeat himself before he was heard, then admitted, "though I do not know the way to Mordor."

With a sorrowful look, Gandalf assured his little friend, "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear."

Gandalf sighed heavily. The Istar was seriously wondering why he bothered to stick around Middle Earth and endure such nonsense. Surely there were other magical worlds that did not contain hunky men, thus being free of these evil Sues that seemed to drop in here so regularly.

"If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword," Aragorn vowed, feeling decidedly uncomfortable with the leer the creature had aimed at him. _She'd better not let Arwen catch her looking at him like that, or there'd be no need to haul her off to Mordor and dump her into Mount Doom – Arwen would deal with her here and now!_

"And you have my bow," Legolas added, more than willing to participate in any quest to rid Middle Earth of this evil – and the Ring, too.

"And my axe," Gimli volunteered. Legolas was clearly not pleased at this new company, but then again, the evil was great and they could use all the help they could get. Best to let the dwarf come.

"You carry the fate of us all, little one," Boromir warned Frodo. "If this is indeed the will of the Council then Gondor will see it done."

Sam bolted into the room announcing, "Here. Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me."

With wry amusement, Elrond observed, "No, indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret Council and you are not."

"Great! Where are we going?" the Sue blinked in the obliviousness of stupidity.

"Hey, that's my line!" yelled Pippin, from where he stood hidden behind a pillar with Merry.

Merry snatched at his cousin's arm, dragging him back into the shadows. "Shut up, you idiot! The last thing we want is to get stuck on a several month's journey with that creature. Come on – I found the kitchen earlier." The two hobbits glanced back once at the council, then quickly turned and hurried away.

Elrond gazed at the group standing before him. "Seven companions. I had hoped there would be at least nine, but so be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Sue Ring. Do not fail us!"

The Sue looked up from polishing the Ring that hung around her neck, and asked again, "So, where are we going?"

THE END (hopefully)

8/28/06 - 8/30/06


	2. There But Not Back Again

_**A/N: I wasn't really intending to continue this beyond the oneshot, but someone reviewed it recently, and I reread the story, and the review suggesting that I let you know what happened further to the Fellowship and the Sue, and then this idea came to me. So, for better or worse, more Sue ahead... Feel free to run screaming from the building at any time! FYI – this pretty much follows the movie version. This is long enough that normally I would have put it into two chapters, but the only logical breakpoints would have meant one long and one short chapter, so you get the entire nauseating mess in its entirety in a single chapter.**_

**There But Not Back Again**

"And then, like, I saw this totally cute strapless dress in the window and I, like, just _had_ to have it–"

Legolas moved forward and took point. He felt as though his ears were starting to melt. The Sue had not shut up since they left Imladris. How they were going to keep this quest 'secretive' was beyond him. Surely every orc within ten leagues would hear them coming long before they got there with her jabbering on incessantly! It was for certain _he'd_ never be able to get out of earshot of her!

Aragorn suspected the reason for Legolas' change of position. Gimli had remained beside the girl and seemed oblivious to her yakking, but Aragorn had learned his secret. All that hair came in handy as earplugs. The dwarf was wearing an expression of blissful inattention. Aragorn had thought the two young Hobbits had been talkers, and more than once after leaving Bree he had been ready to throttle them into silence, but nothing could compare to this.

Clearing his throat, Aragorn muttered under his breath to Gandalf, "Is not there some spell or something to cause...laryngitis or such? I think we could all use a break from this..."

Gandalf winced apologetically. "My powers are not limitless, my friend. I am sorry, but I must save my spells for more serious matters – much as I am tempted to do as you ask. Besides, I am not certain Istari powers have much effect on Sues. They are too powerful."

And so the very long journey progressed, tediously. _At least the Sue was blessed with the usual magnificent athletic ability, no doubt the reason she was able to maintain her gorgeous, lithe body._ Aragorn shook himself, hard. He must be nearing exhaustion to have had such a thought. He must not succumb to her, or let the others do so either. Too much was riding on their successful completion of this mission.

But it was soon evident their task would not be easy. When the crebain from Dunland flew over, it had taken both Aragorn and Boromir's wrestling her to the ground and clapping their hands over her mouth to silence her so they would not be detected. Undaunted, she had assumed they had been overcome with her beauty and wished to be amorous. It had taken some doing to get away from her after that, and both were feeling desperately in need of a bath considering the way she was eyeing them. Legolas had been decidedly unhelpful, enjoying the fact that she was chasing after someone besides him.

By the time they reached Caradhras, they were all irritable and on edge. The avalanche of snow didn't improve matters any. Legolas popped up out of the snow, fresh as a daisy, while the others struggled to free themselves. The Sue had not readily surfaced.

"She'll freeze to death. Boromir, help her!" Aragorn reluctantly instructed, giving a heavy sigh.

"So what's the problem with that – saves us having to listen to her any longer!" Boromir petulantly snapped in response.

"The _problem_, Boromir," Gandalf explained impatiently, as if to a slow pupil, "is that should she expire due to the extreme elements, we will be made to endure an interminably long, incredibly unbelievable and thoroughly tedious death scene! And, I might add, she would simply return – more powerful than before! Sues do not simply die naturally! Now then, help her, as Aragorn told you – and do not make me explain this nonsense to you again. It is giving me a headache!"

Grumbling under his breath, Boromir jammed his fist down into the snow where she had last been seen and then hauled her up out of the powder.

She gave him a wide smile, showing her perfect teeth off to perfection, then launched herself around his neck as she smothered him with kisses. "Oh, my hero! You have saved me! Let me reward you, my sweet!"

Boromir peeled her off him and held her at arms-length, despite her squirming attempts to reattach herself to him. "Trust me," he growled, "I would gladly have left you, had it been up to me!" Tossing her a good ten feet away from him, he began brushing the snow from his hair and shoulders.

She sat giggling on the ground, gazing adoringly up at him. "Oh, my Bori-wori is such a tease! Too bad we are not alone here together and we could –"

Hastily Gandalf cut her off; if he let the Sue finish that sentence, likely Boromir would toss her right off the mountain. "We cannot continue in this direction. We must go another way."

Several options were offered, but the final decision was to attempt going under the mountain via Moria, so they rerouted on their new path.

xxxxx

Once Gandalf had finally determined the password and they entered through the Doors of Durin, the Sue found new topics of conversation.

"Ick! Bones and corpses and gross stuff!" the Sue squealed, dancing agitatedly (but very gracefully) in place, waving her hands in the air. "Like, why didn't anyone tell me there would be ga-ross stuff on this quest thingie?"

"Like, why didn't you ever read the books and find out for yourself?" muttered Gimli; rhetorically since he wasn't at all certain she _could_ read.

Legolas glanced at him in confusion. "Books?" he asked.

"Sorry," Gimli shrugged, "surreal Fourth Wall reference. Pay it no mind."

Legolas stared warily at the dwarf, then edged slowly away, trying not to look too alarmed. He hadn't liked dwarves before this quest, but he'd had no idea just how very strange they could be.

At that moment, a tentacle shot in the mine entrance, ensnaring Frodo's leg and dragging him into the water outside, where its owner was prepared to devour him.

"Oh, kewl! Legolas, hunny-bunny – go shoot that thingie and save us all!" The Sue batted her eyes at him, then added in what Legolas presumed was meant to be a sultry, seductive manner, "If you do, I'll reward you handsomely!" She waggled her eyebrows suggestively at him and the Elf began to feel rather ill.

Aragorn bolted past just then, elbowing the Sue to the ground as he did. "Legolas! Hurry – we must help Frodo! Shoot, shoot!" Aragorn and Boromir began to frantically hack at the creatures tentacles, severing several of them, but Legolas remained staunchly unmoving.

"What are you waiting for, Mr. Elf?" queried Gimli as he leaned on his axe and watched the battle raging nearby, surprised by Legolas' sudden reticence. The pretty boy hadn't ever hesitated to jump in the middle of things before.

"I am _not _shooting anything until someone promises to prevent her from making good on that threat!" Legolas stated adamantly.

"Oh, good grief!" Gandalf sighed. "Fine! I will put a spell on her, and make her forget she said it. Now, will you get busy? And, might I remind you that if Aragorn and Boromir are killed along with Frodo, that leaves far fewer people to act as a buffer between you and the Sue for the remainder of the quest!"

Legolas went a nauseating shade of green, and promptly launched a blinding blur of arrows that turned the tide, and enabled the others to pull Frodo to safety.

And, so, they set off for the long trek through the mine. Gandalf was all too aware of the dangers that lurked here, but there was nothing to be done for it but press on. Undaunted by anything, the Sue was soon waxing eloquent about anything and everything, only now her voice was amplified by the cave walls, adding to everyone's misery. Boromir had never liked wearing a helmet in battle, but suddenly he envied Gimli having such to cover his ears, if only to partially block out the noise.

By the time they reached the archway where the corridor diverged, they were weary both physically and mentally. While Gandalf attempted to determine the correct path, they all took the time to rest and recover their strength, though it was not as restful as they hoped with the Sue attempting to snuggle up to anyone who would let her. As a last ditch measure against her, they had plunked down in a circle, shoulder to shoulder, to keep her at bay, but she interpreted this as a desire for all of them to want to be with her. Thus, she hopped lithely into the center of the circle and sprawled in a supposedly seductive manner, randomly gesturing to various ones to come join her, though none made any effort to do so.

Aragorn slipped away while her attention was on Legolas and went to join Gandalf. Aragorn puffed thoughtfully on his pipe, then murmured to the Istar seated by him, "Gandalf…I have been thinking about that spell you did at the mine entrance – the one that made her forget her vow to Legolas…"

"Yes?" Gandalf prompted, not certain where this conversation might be leading.

"I do not suppose you happen to know a spell that would make her forget she knows how to speak…" Aragorn questioned hopefully.

For the first time in awhile, Gandalf actually chuckled, but then regretfully shook his head. "Would that it were so, my friend, but alas even those more powerful than me have not discovered magic _that_ potent!"

Aragorn gave a heavy sigh. " 'Tis a pity…a very great pity!" he concurred.

At that moment, Gandalf's face brightened and he rose. "This way!" Instantly the others were on their feet, eager to be moving once more rather than endure such close quarters with the Sue a moment longer.

It was a mostly somber group that entered Balin's tomb and discovered he was dead. While the Fellowship stood solemnly silent in acknowledgement of Gimli's grief, the Sue had a look around. Discovering a skelton perched on a well, she couldn't resist poking at it and, predictably, it fell loudly into the well, clanging and banging as it went.

All eyes had turned accusingly toward her and she let out a charming giggle. "Tee hee! Sorry about that! Noisy thing, wasn't it?"

Gandalf looked the most alarmed by this, for he best understood that she likely had alerted the evil of this place to their presence. "Fool! Next time you can throw yourself in with it!"

"Like, that is soooo not nice! I, like, apologized and stuff!" the Sue huffed, looking to the others for support, but finding none.

As Gandalf feared, the sleeping malice had been awakened, and they soon distinctly heard the sound of approaching danger. Boromir rushed to close the tomb doors, barely avoiding an arrow to the head for his trouble. Slamming it shut, he announced, "They have a cave troll!"

The warriors of their group took up position, readying themselves for battle, while the hobbits pulled their swords and looked uncertain about the whole thing. However, just as the door was breached, the Sue launched herself in front of them, swinging a sword and shield that no one could figure out where she had gotten since she had carried nothing prior to this. The Sue became a blur of fighting, and it was readily apparent that their participation was not needed.

Aragorn and Boromir shuffled off to an out-of-the-way corner and began playing cards to pass the time. Gandalf had wanted to play also, but they wouldn't let him for fear he would use his wizardly powers to cheat. Sam set up a small campfire and prepared a light snack for the group.

As the fighting continued, Boromir glanced up from dealing. "Gee," Boromir observed, gazing over at the raging battle just as the Sue beheaded three orcs with a single sword stroke, "I had no idea she'd actually prove useful..."

Slowly, to their astonishment, the Sue vanquished all comers, including the troll. As it fell, Legolas stood and fired an arrow into its exposed throat, causing it to give a final death twitch. Smirking at Gimli, he gloated, "That gives me partial credit for the kill! You are down by, oh, a dozen or so on that one, I would say!"

The dwarf glanced up in annoyance, responding, "Try to keep it straight, Elf-boy! We don't begin that 'friendly rivalry' thing until the next movie!"

"Movie?" Legolas asked, puzzled.

Gimli turned back to the sausages Sam was portioning out to him. "Sorry – another Fourth Wall reference. Pay it no mind."

"I do wish you would stop doing that," Legolas admonished. "It is most unnerving!"

With the battle ended, the Sue approached them triumphantly. They tried not to notice that she was not sweaty, out of breath or mussed in the slightest.

Despite everything, Legolas could not help being impressed with the Sue's fighting techniques. Setting aside his abiding reluctance to get within one hundred paces of her, he moved closer and questioned, "May I ask who has trained you to have such battle skills?

"Perhaps it was Glorfindel," Gimli offered as he wandered past, carrying his plate of food.

"Like, who?" the Sue queried, blinking stupidly, as Legolas appeared mortified at the very suggestion of the possibility it was so.

"Sorry – book reference. Pay it no mind," Gimli mumbled with a grin, sauntering away with a satisfied smirk.

"Like, that short guy is _totally_ weird!" the Sue observed, wrinkling her cute button nose in the most adorable manner imaginable. Then, suddenly remembering the battle, she began to sob melodramatically, "Oh, Frodo, Frodo! You cannot die! We need you to...well, whatever it is you were doing. And I have not yet had time to show you how bodaciously attractive I think you are!"

The others slowly rose to come stand in a circle around Frodo and the Sue. "What is she going on about?" Boromir asked Frodo, who was sitting nonchalantly staring into the campfire.

The Hobbit glanced up, winkled a bit of sausage from between his teeth with a thumbnail, and shrugged, "Beats me. She seems to think I'm dying..."

"But...but that spear would have skewered a wild boar!" the Sue exclaimed.

Aragorn twitched and glanced at Legolas, asking, "Why does that sound vaguely familiar?"

"Because you said it–" Gimli began, then paused at their questioning gazes toward him. "Never mind," he muttered. "Not important."

"Frodo's not dead! Isn't that wonderful?" the Sue exclaimed. "I have saved him!" She giggled and added, "Yay, me!" She reached forth her right hand for them to kiss it in admiration, but all just stood staring blankly at her, and as she pulled it back in disappointment, she shrieked, "Oh no! I have, like, broken a nail! The...pain and trauma is too great. I think I am going to faint. Legolas – catch me, my sweet!" She began to plummet toward the ground while Legolas stood idle, looking singularly disinterested. Startled when she hit the dirt without anyone attempting to break her fall, she sat pouting prettily at them. "You boys are toying with me! I shall have to make you kiss my bruise and make it all better!"

"Goblins!" Legolas suddenly shouted. "Lots of them. We had better run!"

"To the bridge of Khazad-dum!" Gandalf directed, as they followed the Elf sprinting out the door.

Aragorn caught up to his friend in a few strides and mumbled, "Goblins? I do not hear anything."

"Shut up and run, idiot!" Legolas hissed. "Or do you _want_ to kiss her bruise all better?"

"Uh, yeah – Goblins. Lots of them. I distinctly hear them now myself..." Aragorn amended.

But the hordes of Goblins, that actually were descending upon them, proved the least of their worries, for it was soon evident there was some new devilry afoot – a Balrog. A frantic flight got them all over the bridge as Gandalf turned to face their foe. In the end, though the Balrog was destroyed, Gandalf was lost as well, falling into the fiery chasm.

Sorrowfully, Aragorn led the rest on toward the cave's exit. Not until they were safely outside did they pause to mourn the loss of their friend. Their grief was disrupted by the Sue's observation, "Well, he was, like, really old anyway! Lucky for me all the hunkalicious men survived! Tee hee!"

The others stared at her in horror, though she remained oblivious to their shocked expressions. With an extreme effort, Aragorn drew his attention back to the more pressing matters at hand, and quietly ordered, "Get them up! Boromir, Legolas. Soon these hills will be swarming with orcs. We must make it to Lothlorien."

"Oh, kewl!" squealed the Sue. "I have, like, soooo wanted to get up close and personal with that Haldir elf! Tee hee!"

Gimli slowly shook his head and mumbled, "I never cared much for elves, but I'm betting the rest of these pretty boys are too smart to tolerate a Sue just as Legolas is."

Legolas blinked in surprise, as this was the first nice thing he had heard the dwarf say about elves. Perhaps their two peoples _could_ overcome their differences and become friendly once more.

xxxxx

Gimli's assessment had been quite correct; Haldir made no effort to hide his disdain for this creature that accompanied them. Though, on the other hand, he seemed equally disdainful of the Fellowship also, so that wasn't altogether a positive. Even so, with much cajoling on Aragorn's part, Haldir was eventually persuaded to lead them to Galadriel.

While the negotiations were underway, Boromir took a moment to console Frodo, who seemed to be keenly feeling the loss of Gandalf. Not one to miss an opportunity, the Sue insinuated herself between them, begging, "Ooooo, me too! I need consoling! You should kiss me to make me feel better, and wrap me safely in those steely arms of yours!"

She giggled prettily, but Boromir glanced up and hastily rose, "Oh, look – we're leaving now!" He ignored the pout the Sue aimed in his direction, catching Frodo by the collar and dragging him away from her. He knew the hobbits were older than they appeared, but somehow letting the Sue near Frodo seemed very much as though he was allowing someone to molest a child.

While most in their party were in awe of the elves' habitation, and they were looking all around in wonder, the Sue was casting lecherous looks at any male Elf that she passed. "Tee hee! Look at them all staring at my beautifulness! They have never seen anyone so wondrous as me!" she bragged, though the others paid no attention. After all this time traveling with her, they had largely learned to tune her out.

Galadriel was an awesome sight to any intelligent being, and her power was evident. She was both beautiful and majestic, but she did not impress the Sue. With a sneering aside to Sam, the Sue insisted, "Like, I am so much prettier than her! I bet that's a bleach job! No wonder the elves were all watching me – my beauty surpasses anything they have ever seen here!"

Sam stared at her in astonishment for an instant, then turned away. There really wasn't much point in arguing with the idiot.

Eventually, the Elves gave them places to rest and food to eat, and they settled in for the night. While they were washing, Boromir admitted that he had heard Galadriel's voice in his head, telling him there was still hope. "I cannot see it," he confessed. "How can there still be hope when there are Sues in the world?"

Aragorn nodded his agreement with Boromir's view of things, then mused, "I believe Galadriel spoke to all of us in our thoughts. Do you suppose she spoke to the Sue as well?"

He was startled by what seemed to be a 'snort' in his mind. Then Galadriel's voice distinctly came to him, saying, "Get real, Aragorn! I only communicate with _intelligent_ beings in this manner!" Aragorn grinned at the un-elflike remark, and a glance at Boromir showed a similar expression. Clearly they had both _heard_ Galadriel's response!

The Fellowship rested a few days in Lothlorien. They would have stayed longer, but the elves were not being very subtle in their urging them to leave as soon as possible. The Sue had been making lewd remarks to many of them, grabbing at them in most inappropriate ways and generally making a nuisance of herself. They didn't mind evil rings or orcs, but they had quickly gotten their fill of this Sue. Valinor was looking better and better.

The Sue had been mightily ticked off when gifts were given to every member of the Fellowship except her. She had hinted to Celeborn, none too subtly, that he should give her something personal, to remember him by, and she thought he was teasing when he replied that he would be honored if she did not remember him.

While there was no denying that traveling on the Anduin sped them closer to Mordor, with less risk of their pursuers catching them, it was a thoroughly onerous experience to be in such close quarters with the Sue. Only after drawing straws had they been able to get anyone to agree to her being in their boat.

Legolas wasn't quite sure how the two Men had rigged it that he got stuck with her, but at least she didn't find the dwarf attractive, and he made a point of keeping Gimli between them for the duration. The Sue was unhappy about this as it meant Legolas was behind her, making it impossible to ogle him, and Gimli made it clear what he would do to her if she didn't stay seated quietly in the front of the boat. Her unhappiness diminished somewhat when it got warm later in the day, and both Aragorn and Boromir removed their tunics, so she was able to appreciatively drool at the sight of their manly rippling muscles.

By the time they put in to shore, just above the Falls of Rauros, Aragorn thought he had detected a shift in Boromir's behavior toward the Sue. He did not seem so antagonistic, even preening when she was watching him. As camp was set up, Aragorn took the occasion to draw Legolas and Gimli aside for a conference.

"I fear Boromir is weakening," Aragorn softly confided to the other two. There was silence for several moments, and then there was a glint of comprehension in Legolas' eyes as to Aragorn's meaning, and his face took on a look of revulsion.

"You do not mean…he cannot possibly be…surely you are mistaken…he would not even _consider_…" the Elf stammered in horror.

At Aragorn's confirming nod, Legolas shook his head in total disbelief, then demanded, "Are _all_ the Men of Gondor this weak?"

Aragorn shrugged. "I have heard he has a brother – Faramir – who has a bit more moral fortitude."

"Well, in the book, maybe, but not in the mov–" Gimli began then, noticing their expressions, caught himself and said, "Never mind. You were saying, Aragorn?"

The two scowled at the dwarf briefly before Aragorn continued, "Apparently Boromir drew the short straw of the two brothers for attending Elrond's council."

"Actually," Gimli couldn't help interjecting, "he was never invited to the council. He just showed up accidentally because of–" He stopped abruptly as he glimpsed the befuddled looks they were giving him. "Not important," he muttered, glancing away with a twinkle in his eyes. It really was such fun playing with their minds like this!

"I do not suppose," Aragorn said quietly and carefully, "there is any way we may persuade you to explain these strange comments you insist on making, Master Dwarf?"

Trying to look innocent, Gimli just smiled weakly. "Strange? Oh, those. No biggie. Do not mind me. Just my private little joke!"

They stared at him a moment more before finally returning to the matter at hand. Just then, however, Sam glanced up from the cookfire he had going and asked, "Mr. Frodo?"

"Oh no!" the Sue exclaimed. "He has wandered off alone! And Boromir is missing too! Oh what shall we do?" she dramatically emoted, using the opportunity to go and clutch at Aragorn imploringly, hoping he would ease her distress with his loving embrace.

Aragorn rolled his eyes and gave a heavy sigh. He had no time to deal with this creature right now. Wheeling abruptly away, he cold-cocked her. The Sue hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. For an instant, Legolas and Gimli stared at their usually mild-mannered and compassionate companion, then both spontaneously broke into applause.

"No time for that," Aragorn muttered, trying to restrain a grin at their approbation. "Frodo and Boromir are missing. Spread out!"

They were not far into their search when the sounds of many feet thundering over the earth warned of the danger. Soon all were engaged in battling orcs and Uruk-hai – a seemingly endless swarm of them. Aragorn had located Frodo, briefly, and determined that Boromir had attacked him for making derogatory remarks about the Sue. It was now clear that the combined strength of the Ring and the Sue had overwhelmed Boromir's good sense. But there was no time to deal with that issue just yet, for the enemy was upon them. Aragorn turned to battle the forces of evil.

In the midst of the raging battle, the three warriors heard the Horn of Gondor sound and knew that Boromir was in dire straits. Too late, Aragorn reached him, finding him kneeling in the midst of countless dead enemies, but pierced by many arrows. Aragorn's fearsome battle with an Uruk-hai, who was just preparing to finish off the Gondorian with a final arrow, concluded things.

The rest of the enemy had fled, still searching for the halflings they had been ordered to capture, though not knowing they were headed in the wrong direction. Sam had glimpsed Frodo's retreat and followed him, the two of them eventually agreeing to hide until the dangerous fighting part was over.

It had taken the combined efforts of Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli to move Boromir's body back to the shoreline and put him in a boat. Aragorn had wanted to pile weapons of his fallen foes around him in the boat as a tribute to Boromir's valor, but Gimli nixed the idea, commenting, "Why should we bother if Peter didn't?"

Aragorn frowned, asking, "Peter who?"

Gimli whistled innocently and looked away, "Oh, no one…"

"We should get moving as soon as possible," Legolas pointed out, though he understood Aragorn's view on the matter.

"I suppose," Aragorn sighed. "All right, we will skip loading the boat with weapons." The three nudged the elvish craft out into the water until finally the current caught it.

As they watched the boat drifting with the river's pull toward the falls, each bid their comrade farewell in his own way. Their respectful reverie was disturbed by an agonized squeal. "No! Is that Bori's funeral boat? I missed it! Why didn't anyone wake me? I never got a chance to weep over my beloved Bori-Wori, and shower passionate love kisses on my gorgeous, hunkalicious man of Gondor! I never got to pledge my undying love to him or feel his arms around me, making passionate love to me on the forest floor–"

That seemed an appropriate moment to interrupt her before she brought any more revolting mental images to their minds. Suddenly, they all rather envied Boromir his being dead. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you supposed to be 'passionately' in love with the Elf?" Gimli inquired.

Legolas kicked him hard in the leg and hissed, "Shut up! I can live with her transfer of affections."

The Sue giggled. "Like, I'll always love my Leggie bestest, but someone so special as me must spread her wonderfulness around, and Bori-sweetums never let me fully express myself to him while he was alive."

"Hmmm, he was much smarter than I gave him credit," Aragorn mused.

"Personally," Gimli grumbled, "I think Boromir allowed himself to become a pincushion just to escape having to endure the Sue any longer! I knew at Elrond's council we couldn't count on him to see it through to the end, the big baby!"

Ignoring the remarks, the Sue turned to gaze longingly at the boat that had just reached the falls. "Hark," Gimli murmured to his companions, who had edged away from her the first chance they got, "I hear the sound of Bori-sweetums' dead arms flailing the water to propel himself more quickly away from her!" The other two snickered, but straightened their faces when the Sue turned to look questioningly at them. Legolas was mentally revising his opinion of the dwarf – he really could be quite droll at times!

In truth, Boromir's spirit had not yet left his body, and with his last remaining strength, his mind was frantically chanting, "Please, death, hurry and take me!"

As the boat was finally drawn over the falls, the three turned away and began to gather their belongings, knowing it was not safe to remain here. As they did, Frodo and Sam suddenly rejoined them.

"Decided to come out of hiding now that the danger is past?" asked Aragorn with annoyance.

"Er…well, actually, we were thinking of going on alone, but then we remembered the Sue has the Ring and she'd still be with you, so why should we march into Mordor needlessly, eh?" Sam explained.

Frodo nodded, but stopped as he noticed Aragorn was rubbing his chin speculatively. He didn't like the look of this, and a moment later, he knew why.

"Frodo, since you and Sam seem the most resistant to the effects of the Ring and the Sue, and since you DID volunteer to take them to Mordor, I think we should point you in the right direction and let you and Sam continue on without the rest of us," Aragorn instructed.

"What!" Sam exclaimed. "Are you mad? We wouldn't last ten minutes with that–"

Aragorn cut him off. "I know it asks a great deal of you Sam, but I believe it is for the best. Meanwhile, we three will head over to Rohan and try to raise an army to come fight at Minas Tirith with us."

"Why? What's going on at Minas Tirith?" Frodo asked.

"Nothing at the moment," Aragorn admitted, "but I have a feeling the closer you get to Mordor, the more Sauron is going to throw everything he's got at us."

"Besides," Gimli added, "you need to go disappoint Eowyn so she'll ride to battle, disguised as a man, and be there to kill–"

All eyes were staring at him in puzzlement and he grinned innocuously. "Never mind!" he chirped brightly.

The Sue stood with her hands on her hips, glaring at them. "Like, what do we need another girl around for? I'm wonderful enough for all of you. And I don't mind being generous and sharing myself with everyone!"

"Yes, so we've noticed," Legolas mumbled.

"That is the plan, all the same," Aragorn insisted, ignoring the Sue's protest.

Sam and Frodo eyed one another disconsolately. "Why do Hobbits always draw the short straw?" Sam mumbled in disgruntlement, causing Legolas to snicker.

"Sorry!" he said, trying to control further shows of amusement. "It just struck me funny, that's all!"

And so the Fellowship parted – Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli struck out for Rohan, to raise an army and recover Gandalf, and the Hobbits headed for Mordor with the complaining Sue in tow. She was not the least bit pleased about having to go a different direction from the gorgeous men; at least she wasn't until Gimli pointed out that the Hobbits ought to be meeting up with Boromir's drop-dead handsome younger brother, Faramir, soon and her good humor was restored at the prospect of yet another male to seduce. Plus, there were all those Rangers, in a cave, with a hidden pool… Oh yes, this would be yummy! And the Hobbits were rather adorable to tide her over until they got to Ithilien…

xxxxx

"Why are we doing this again? Is there really such a rush now that we've foisted the Sue off on the Hobbits?" Gimli wheezed. They had been running for days, with little food or sleep, and he was tired and cranky.

"Shut up and run, Gimli," Legolas responded quietly beside the dwarf, and annoyingly not out of breath despite having run five leagues already. "The quicker we reach Gondor and draw the eye of Mordor away from Frodo and Sam, the quicker we are truly rid of her. If Gondor will not see it done, I will. I cannot sail to Valinor if I fail in this. I would be too dishonored."

"Aye," Gimli agreed with a sigh, dragging air painfully into his tortured lungs, as he stumbled after the elf.

Their meeting with the Rohirrim went less than smoothly, but eventually they accomplished all they set out to do – hook up with Eomer so they'd have horses to ride the rest of the way, flush Gandalf out of hiding in Fangorn Forest and press him back into service helping them (he protested mightily), and then defeated overwhelming odds at Helms Deep so they could race to Gondor and face even more overwhelming odds. All in all, February and early March were proving to be rather busy months.

Meanwhile, the Hobbits weren't exactly on a picnic either. Sam had thought it bad that they had been stuck with the Sue, but then they'd captured the being called Gollum, and it was a constant challenge keeping him and the Sue from doing battle for the Ring. It had taken much effort to force the gangled creature to act as their guide, since they had become hopelessly lost in short order. And now they found themselves in a very unforgiving landscape.

When at last they made it through the mountains, that had seemed endless, it was to end up in a vast marshy area that Gollum called the Dead Marshes. They soon learned why it had such a charming, and clearly appropriate, name.

"Ewwww! Like, dead people! How ga-ross! Come away from there, Frodo!" the Sue demanded, after looking down and seeing the bodies below the surface of the water.

Sam shook his head and mumbled disgruntedly, "She gets bossier the farther we go! Why'd we have to get stuck with her on the final leg of our journey? As if dealing with that stupid Ring wasn't enough of a burden!"

Frodo had started to be drawn in by the dead faces staring up at them, but the Sue had roughly shoved him away before he could succumb to them. He sighed heavily, "Because we're the only ones who can do this, Sam. Boromir had already fallen; it was only a matter of time before the others would have as well."

Frodo stumbled on ahead, following Gollum's weaving path through the marsh as Sam mumbled to himself, "So they say! I'm not so sure they didn't just make that up in order to stick the poor, naïve Hobbits with the Sue!"

xx

After several days, the supply of lembas the elves had given to them at Lorien was dwindling. They weren't entirely displeased with this, since the Hobbits didn't find it terribly appealing, especially on a long-term basis, and Gollum considered it outright foul. Only the Sue seemed to be thoroughly enjoying it, though that may have merely been her delighted fixation with anything even remotely elvish in nature.

The landscape began to turn greener and, with the increase in vegetation around them, Gollum was able to procure a rabbit for them to eat. He was disgusted at Sam's insistence on cooking it into a stew, but he was clearly outvoted in the matter, so he sat nearby plotting his revenge. Just as they were finishing up the meal, a sound drew their attention and they moved to investigate. They watched in disbelief as they saw strangely garbed soldiers marching past, with some riding huge creatures they had heard of only in stories. "Look, Mr. Frodo! Oliphaunts!" Sam murmured with fascination.

Suddenly, they became aware that they were not alone as arrows began to fly, and the marching soldiers were being picked off. One fell from the Oliphaunt it was riding and landed near them, startling the Hobbits from their reverie. "We can't stay here!" Frodo exclaimed, turning to stumble away.

However, the Sue had gotten a look at the fallen man. "Oooh, like he is really cute! Maybe we ought to go check out the others and travel with them!" she gushed.

Sam was wrestling with her, tugging mightily at her arm. "Don't be stupid! They'll kill us! Come on!"

But it was too late. Already they had been surrounded, but not by the soldiers they had seen. Instead these were cloaked and hooded men carrying longbows. A man who looked amazingly like Boromir revealed himself and took them captive. Their heads were covered before being taken to the secret hidden cave of Henneth Annun. They had not traveled far before the Rangers stuffed an old pair of socks in the Sue's mouth to silence her so they would not be detected. The smell rendered her unconscious, forcing one of the men to carry her, but since she was light as a feather, he did not object.

Once in the cave, Faramir confronted the Hobbits alone, while the recovered Sue made attempts at seducing the Rangers that passed near where she was tied up. Despite their spartan situation and not getting to spend much time with women out here in the wilds, none of the Rangers seemed particularly inclined to go anywhere near the Sue. Instead, they gave her wide berth, eyeing her warily as though they expected her to turn into some deadly, fearsome creature and attack them. Sam, watching them with one eye while listening to the exchange between Frodo and Faramir about why they were here, could not help thinking the men had quickly taken an accurate measure of the Sue.

His attention was drawn back to the conversation at hand as Frodo admitted to Boromir's untimely death, but told Faramir consolingly, "It is for the best. The Sue was weakening him, and it was only a matter of time until he fell before her powers. Better that he die than face such a fate, and dishonor your family."

Faramir gave a shudder and glanced over at the Sue, nodding agreement. "Yes, I see your point. That gives me much comfort. Come, I will feed you and provide provisions for your journey, then point you on the road for your continued trip. And I send the hopes of all Men with you that you succeed in destroying this evil…and the Ring, too."

Supper that evening was a miserable affair. They had to release the Sue to let her eat, but immediately she sidled over to Faramir and began her attempts to seduce him, telling him huskily, "The Ring is right here under my clothes, Fari-Wari! Don't you want to come and get it?"

She batted her eyes at Faramir, who promptly lost his appetite and set aside his plate of food. To his left, Damrod offered his Captain, "I could drop her easy with an arrow between the eyes, my lord…"

Faramir sighed regretfully. "No, Damrod, that would not work. Sues are not susceptible to arrows, but I thank you for the offer. Remind me to promote you…if I can figure out how to get Father to sign the papers."

xx

It was with mixed emotions that Faramir waved goodbye to the Hobbits. It seemed his dream was proving true, but already it had cost him his beloved brother and now these gentle Hobbits appeared doomed to be the next victims. Could they ever have any chance of reaching Mount Doom and accomplishing their purpose? He could not imagine it, but what choice did any of them have in the matter. Still, the sooner the Sue was gone from the Rangers' midst, the better all would like it.

And, so, Faramir turned away and headed off to Osgiliath, so he could get most of his men slaughtered in a foolish attempt to regain the city at his father's behest.

With considerable effort, the Hobbits reached the Black Gate but, realizing they could never slip inside that way, Frodo allowed Gollum to lead them on a secret trail over the mountain. It made Sam uneasy, but what could they do? If life was ever to be worth living again, they must reach Mordor and finish this quest.

There was a mild bit of alarm when Gollum disappeared, leaving them to face Shelob, but one look at the huge, hideous spider, and the Sue let out a scream that would have curdled milk. As the Hobbits cowered with their hands over their ears, certain their eardrums must have ruptured, Shelob keeled over and twitched several times before lying still.

"Ick! Ick, ick, ick! I hate spiders!" the Sue squealed, dancing agitatedly. "Let's get away from here!"

The Hobbits trailed after her as she took a path upward, glancing back once at the dead spider and shaking their heads in complete amazement. "They'll never believe this back home," Sam mumbled, causing Frodo to grin wanly.

Despite all the hardships they had faced thus far, none of them were prepared for the harsh landscape of Mordor. True, Boromir had rather accurately described it to them, but still they had half-thought he was exaggerating. Apparently not.

Their water gave out fairly soon, partly due to the Sue not grasping the gravity of their situation and attempting to wash her hair one evening. Staggering on, slowly becoming dehydrated and delirious, at long last they saw Mount Doom looming before them. They weren't quite certain why the Great Eye that had seemed to be searching the barren wastes for some glimpse of them had suddenly turned away, but they weren't about to argue with the providence of it.

With great effort, they climbed slowly up the mountain. Just short of the top, however, Frodo collapsed, unable to go further on his own. With inhuman effort, Sam staggered over to him. "You can't give up now, Mr. Frodo! We have to finish this. I'll carry you."

"Oooh, me too!" the Sue begged, looking annoyingly fresh and composed despite the harsh conditions they were battling.

"No, Frodo's all I can manage," Sam hastily exclaimed. "But someone as wonderful as you shouldn't need any help from me," he insincerely flattered.

Preening with delight at the compliment, the Sue giggled. "True! Come on, then. I'll lead the way!"

Just as they reached the entrance into Mount Doom, however, Gollum reappeared. Quick as a wink, he managed to snatch the Ring from around the Sue's neck. Sam was more concerned with their at last being rid of the Sue, so he was concertedly attempting to drag her toward the cliff's edge so he could nudge her over into the molten fire below. Frodo, seeing the danger of letting either escape, dove for Gollum and the Ring, wrestling it away from the creature before it could realize what was happening.

"No! Mine! My precious!" shrieked Gollum, launching himself onto Frodo's back.

The Sue increased her struggles, crying, "No! It's mine! It's mine!"

She was just about to break free of Sam's grasp, so he frantically called out, "Mr. Frodo! Forget that stupid Ring and help me! The Sue will escape!"

But it was too late. With a superhuman yank, the Sue wrenched free and lurched over to the battling pair nearby and threw herself into the fray. Elbowing Frodo aside, she snatched the Ring from his hands and turned to face Gollum's attack herself.

"Let go of _my_ ring, you ugly creature! Like, this is so totally a girl's ring, and – HELLO! – I'm a girl and you're not!" the Sue snarled prettily.

"No! No! Mine! My precious!" squealed Gollum, apparently immune to her charms and refusing to loosen his grip.

"Like, I SO don't THINK so! Only someone as exquisite as me deserves this ring!" the Sue tenaciously responded, trying to shake Gollum from off her back, where he had scrambled and was clinging like a vine. The two battled across the cliff top, and the Hobbits watched with baited breath as the pair staggered nearer and nearer the edge.

Suddenly, the Sue lost her footing on the cliff's edge and the two of them plummeted over the precipice, to the Hobbits' less-than-horrified stares. For an instant they stood gaping, and then in unison they bolted to look over. The superheated lava of Mount Doom was slowly swallowing the twisted pair, but both remained oblivious to all but their precious ring. Only at the last instant before going under did the Sue suddenly realize her peril. She let out an anguished scream - "NOOOOOOOO!" But it was too late.

The Hobbits lay on their stomachs a moment longer, but then as the mountain began to violently disintegrate, they lurched to their feet. Each eyed the other briefly, and then Sam snickered, "Like, kewl!"

"Totally!" Frodo agreed with a derisive chuckle. They formed fists and banged their knuckles against one another triumphantly.

Frodo snorted with laughter, then grabbed Sam's arm. "Let's get out of here. Our quest is ended. We have won!" With that gleeful thought, they bolted from the chamber, a terrible burden lifted from their souls, their lives and, indeed, the very entirety of Middle Earth.

THE END

2/24/07 – 6/11/07

per Eggo Waffles in "Should've Thought of That One, Bori": 'Incidentally, for those who aren't familiar with weird ff lingo, the Fourth Wall is a fanfic term used to describe the invisible barrier between fiction and reality. A character is said to be "breaking the Fourth Wall" when he or she directly addresses his/her audience or makes reference to his/her status as a fictional character.'


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